ONE SATURDAY IN BANGKOK

Dear IL Reader,

Bangkok on a Saturday is pure chaos, anywhere you go.

It's also my day off.

I start with a stop at the Starbucks on the corner, then it's on to the gym. A few mega-gyms have sprung up in this city, complete with tanning beds and masochistic aerobics instructors, but the best places to get in shape are the hotels.

Bangkok's Oriental has been called the finest hotel in the world, but the Shangri-la and the Peninsula probably take issue with that. All have 5-star dining, 6-star views, and 10-star service. The new field of competition is fitness facilities. I won't try to review them all. I'll simply suggest that if you want to see how a gym is supposed to be set up, go to the Royal Meridian near Central Chitlom Station, with its huge hot tub with a view of the city from the 36th floor.

Still, I prefer the JW Marriot on Sukhumvit Soi 2, with its steam, spa, and cold-plunge lounge facility. They stock plenty of cardio machines, free-weights, and a heavy bag if you really just want to hit something.

All the major hotels sell memberships to their fitness centers that include free locker and 20% discounts in all their restaurants, as well as low rates on spa treatments, including facials and massage.

After a vigorous couple of hours feeling the burn, I take in an hour of sun poolside, then steam, bubble, and cold plunge in the men's spa. Then it's down the street for my appointment with Khun Lek, the Laotian bone crusher, located at number 24, Marble House Massage.

Traditional Thai massage isn't for the faint of heart, weak of stomach, or ticklish. The word for "yoga" in Thai means "self-massage," which gives you an idea how Thai massage works. It's a combination of deep-tissue therapy, reflexology, and assisted yoga. At times you'll feel as though you're being kneaded like pizza dough. At other times, stretched and bent. They start with your lower body, end up on your head, and somewhere in the middle you drink tea. All I know is at the end I feel two inches taller and can hear better.

Two hours of traditional Thai massage costs 400 baht (about US$9.50). I tip an extra 100 baht.

Now that I'm the consistency of a boneless chicken, I wobble a few streets down to August, my favorite salon. Salons in Thailand are staffed by attractive young women wearing identical uniforms that change every day. I'm a weekly regular at August, where I'm escorted to a reclining leather chair. Then the girls go to work like a NASCAR pit crew. The young lady who does the facial takes the lead and directs the others. I get a facial (complete with fresh cucumber slices on my eyes), manicure, pedicure, and reflexology foot massage all at the same time. (They also do haircuts, shaves, and a variety of other primping I have no need for.) They ask if I want to hear any particular music. I always ask to hear Thai music. It's not that I'm that crazy about it, but they love it and sing along while buffing and polishing.

For an hour-and-a-half of detailing, I'm charged the usurious sum of 1,000 baht (about US$24).

Next stop, the Soi 7 foot court, where nine different vendors in an open-air seafood pavilion smile and shout compliments to attract me to their venues. My favorite of these little family operations boasts fried squid stuffed with crab meat. The sweet-hot chili sauce will make your eyes water. After a couple of beers, coconut milk, chicken soup, papaya salad, my squid dish, and a big plate of fresh fruit for dessert, I am presented with a hand-scribbled bill for 240 baht (about US$6). Well, I did have two beers.

I break up my leisurely stroll back home with a stop at the Starbucks where I began the day. I assess the damage: workout, two-hour traditional Thai massage, facial, manicure, pedicure, reflexology foot massage, four-course Thai meal. Total cost: less than US$40. If the Starbucks weren't so expensive, this country would be really cheap.

Bart Walters
for International Living